Zen Insight #1: Another's other, AGAIN!

"But I have promises to keep

Miles to go before I sleep."

----Robert Frost

I don't know why

but I feel safer

when I fall in love

with someone who is already in a relationship.

Perhaps it comes with the realization

that a relation

will not come to fruition.

Usually the  women I choose

are ones who

are in troubled relationships.

I suit up in my shiny armour 

mount my steed, and

try to ride to the rescue

My aim is true.

Usually I end up in regret

feeling like a tossed aside

rediculous Don Quihote 

who spends his life

tilting at windmills.

I found another's other

that I have fallen in love with

wanting to fill that position of savior

knowing that I am sinning at the same time.

The juxtaposition of ideals is troubling.

It starts innocently enough, but

my constant craving for affection

eventually takes over. Which 

leads to the downfall of the relationship.

There are many of these women 

stilll on my "friends list"

I just cannot bear to make the break

and give up on them, even

if they have given up on me.

If they "de-friend" me, it is a relief

and a disappointment at the same time.

So, I found another friend

A woman who describes herself

as a "broken child."

My first instinct is to help somehow

I call myself "The Fixer."

My second instinct is to flee

because I know

that I will eventually be the one

that is not the one.

I will be hurt, AGAIN.

Ahh, such is my life. 

I have spent a year in seclusion

as if I have been trapped

in a monestary. I want to escape.

But what I actually have to offer? 

I am a "broken child" myself

a manic-depressive on disability

living with my elderly parents 

who depend upon me for so much.

I promised them that they would never be 

put into a home, that

I would take care of them.

I have a deal with my sister.

For doing this task, which she refuses to do,

when it is time, she

will find me a good home.

One where I can smoke out of the hole in my throat.

I still have desire, albeit deminished.

Who does not want to be loved.

My greatest fear is dying alone.

I wish I were not crazy, else

I never would have left my wife.

Zen Insight #1: DONE!

Wm Andrew Turman

12/7/11