My life is nothing if not complicated. I was forced out of a relationship due to an "Unfortunate Incident." It all turned out for the best, it was a toxic, unhealthy place to live, and I have escaped it. Barely. It was a relationship based mainly on sex. While it was the best I have ever had, that is simply not enough. I prefer the cerebral. I could not stand the way she laughed (think fingernails and chalkboards), she couldn't spell for shit and had poor handwriting. I was constantly picking up after, and she was so scatterbrained I had to manage to keep her shit together, as well as mine. All in all, she was crazy as a fucking loon, as evidenced by her texts to me tonight, about how I ruined her life. It takes two, really. I lost my driver's license, must serve four years probation, and pay over $3000 in costs and fees. A slap on the wrist, really, compared to what I was facing.
I am still in love with my ex-wife, constantly turning to her for advice and instruction. It is not a role she is not comfortable with continuing. I rely upon her too much, for she is the Muse of History. Spend twenty years of your life with someone, and you tend to become dependent. I cannot continue to use her even as a sounding board.
Who I am is all I have left, all I have is empty pockets now. I have driven away so many people due to my manic antics, even I am not laughing. I spend my days banging on the computer, reading books (trashy novels, mainly), painting and writing. I have been so lonely.
However, just because one is lonely does not mean a relationship is what is needed. What I need to do is focus on my mental health, on becoming well enough to become involved with someone again. We are meant to be with others. I do not believe in the "soul mate" theory, that there is just one person we are destined to be with. Just doing the math in my head tells me there should be at least 10 000 people (male or female) who would be compatible with me. It is a big planet, I just gotta find them. I have been looking North, as of late. There seems to be a certain Canadian who, intellectually at least, could find it in her heart to love me.
I have a Muse, the chief muse, who I have been in a relationship of sorts for the past three years. She is my intellectual, aesthetic, and esoteric match. I have never met anyone that holds a candle to her. Unfortunately, she is in a serious relationship. He can provide for her things I never will. But she still needs me. I don't know if it is an ego thing, or what, but she needs me. As I watched her masturbate the other night, I started crying, because I need something more. I don't mind sex, but that is not the determining factor in my happiness.
I need someone who understands me. I have taken on the role of many women's best non-gay, gay boyfriend. I don't mind it, it gives me a sense of accomplishment, to be that knight in tarnished armour, tilting at windmills, coming to the aid of damsels in distress. But what about me? Who will hold me when I need to cry, who will whisper words of encouragement that I my lame ego so desperately needs? I am not that strong. I don't want to be "Crazy Andrew" anymore. I am tired of being the laughing stock of my friend circles. I don't want to be anyone's fucking role model. I am weary. I know I am not long for this world, and I don't want to die alone. That scares me more than anything.
So, for now, I will disconnect from all of the unhealthy relationships I seem to get entangled with. So long, facebook. So long, Durga. So long, (ex-)wife. I am going on a journey that I must travel alone. I don't have a light to show me the way, nor a map to guide me. It is the ultimate fear trip. But I have to do it, for myself. For others. But mainly, for me.
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